SOCIAL MEDIA

Sunday, November 12, 2017

I won't walk away from hard things.


I've been hiding in a land of bunny rabbits πŸ‡and rainbows 🌈.  For the last year - it's been about survival. I've buried myself in self help books and positivity.  This is easy for me.  I'm part of so many different positive groups, that it's really easy to avoid the negativity.  I mean - every day, I have people on videos and in person telling me I'm strong and amazing.  πŸ˜ƒ  I've stopped watching the news, stopped reading the paper, stopped scrolling Facebook for hours.  I mindfully walk away from sadness, empathy, and struggle.  I know what happens to me if I don't.

I took a risk this semester and have enrolled in a class I have wanted to be a part of for several years. It's a book and film study about immigrants and refugees.  I serve so many families who are from other countries that I knew that I would benefit from the exposure and discussion. After this weekend - I kind of want to quit.  But I won't. I can't. I need this.

I knew a long drive to my scrapbook retreat would be a great place to listen to the first book.  I'll never do that again.  On the way there, I cried so so so much.  I remembered why I have turned away from the sorrow and fear in the world.  The whole weekend, I was haunted by the images of a small boy slowly dying due to a sickness I am sure would have been treatable if his circumstances were different. I listened to the women at the retreat talk about small ailments of their children, and could only think about the words I listened to hours before and didn't want to remember.  I wanted to run home and hug my kids.  My healthy kids - free from fear - who were crying over a "spot on the couch" instead of pain that would lead to death.  A weekend retreat of joy and memories was clouded by reflection and sorrow -over a fictional someone - set in a real a situation that happened over 15 years ago - but felt so real and current in my car on a long drive. I finished the book on my drive home, and while I smiled at parts and forced myself to focus on the immigrant story in the US - the boy continued to haunt the story for me.  I can only guess that in my discussion on Wednesday, others will see the hope and find the positive.  I usually do that to, but today I am stuck.  I'm stuck with the brilliant author's words that forced my mind to create images so real that I'm still having a hard time looking at my sweethearts playing in the bath without the images from the story in my head.

This is why I hide from the negative and RUN πŸƒ to the positive.  I have to.  I struggle to let go - then I get overwhelmed.  But I know - from so much of what HAS happened to me over the last year - and those voices I hear everyday telling me that "It doesn't get easier, You get stronger" that this just might be an area of myself that needs strength. So tonight, I'm hugging them closer, plugging into some of my positive outlets that I am beyond grateful that I have, and bracing myself for feeling this way again when I read the next book.  But that isn't "due" for a couple of months. I'm not quitting, but until then, you can find me back in the land of positivity including those cozy bunny rabbits πŸ‡ and bright 🌈 rainbows. What have you tackled to better yourself and make yourself stronger? I'd love to chat about it. ❤❤   Seriously, I need the distraction. πŸ˜‰

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